2022

Last year, I came back to myself.

This year, I learned to love myself.

Reflecting on this year, I never would have thought that my heaviest chapter would help me find courage in releasing the caged butterflies that were inside of my heart. In doing so, I learned the value of tranquility after experiencing an extensive period of chaos. I was able to rediscover the ability to feel with my whole heart again. This led me to not only heal myself, but others as well, throughout the journey of transformation.

When I was younger, I believed the way in which I perceived depth in the simplest of things was a sign of weakness. I believed the way in which I felt about certain people and places was too much, because others had not shown the level of care like I had. This led me to develop a fear in revealing my true self, which resulted in being less than what I already was. Even after doing so, I noticed that it did not make a difference. Those who I chose to surround myself with continued to express their dissatisfaction, regardless of how much I had changed for them.

My actions were misaligned with the true intentions of my heart, and it led me to feel discontent with not only myself, but the way in which I lived as well. As I grew older, I reached a point in time where I did not want to feel the way that I did anymore. The pain of masking had become so intolerable that I could not recognize the person who was looking back at me in the mirror—and most importantly, I missed the girl that I used to be.

It had become necessary to let go. To let go of the feeling that I needed to change myself to please others. To walk away from places where I had only shrunk myself to feel a sense of belonging. To face the fear of the unknown that was held in the future. There came a day where I gained the courage to pick up the key that had collected dust over the years and unlocked the cage that harbored my fear of change.

Opening the door to the cage signified a new beginning. It signified the beginning of my heart being revealed to the world. And as more of the world began to see my heart, I found courage in stepping outside of my comfort zone to embrace my vulnerability. In doing so, I learned more about myself—my strengths, my challenges, and what helped me become the person that I am today. I learned to embrace every component fulfilling the true essence of my being while taking the time to let go of what did not resonate anymore.

With letting go, I learned to forgive myself. For all the times I believed that I was too much or too little because I had been enough all along. For not knowing better in the past, because I had done my best given the circumstances. For holding onto people and places longer than anticipated, because the pain of letting go had overtaken my perception of what was being held in reality.

And although pain did follow the decision to let go, I was given the gift to experience the beauty of freedom in return. I was able to give myself another chance at what it means to live beyond the realm of what I had been accustomed to. I was able to discover a flow of blessings and joy awaiting each day that I had not experienced before. I was able to watch the butterflies from my heart fly higher than they ever have before.

When I unlocked the door to the cage, I rediscovered how it felt to be alive again.

To feel pride as I rode my motorcycle for the first time while joyous tears streamed down my face. To feel love in the form of laughter while eating dinner with my family on a summer night. To feel harmony as my father and I sang along to music from the 80’s as we drove down to the shoreline. To feel warmth in the presence of my friends who never fail to make me smile, even on a difficult day.

It took me time to understand that following the decision to accept change, the pain I had endured had been a period of growth in disguise. It was a time created for me to sit down with the hollow feeling that remained within my heart and understand what was required to fill it with what I needed the most from within. It was a time to conquer the uncertainty I once feared with the courage that was left inside of me, even if it meant that I needed to show my vulnerability. The challenges I faced had only helped prepare me for the transformation that I had always longed for.

The first time that I chose myself, I felt my wings spread from my spine. And each time that I chose myself, my wings had revealed themselves a little more than before. And for my wings to be acknowledged and appreciated from my loved ones in each step of my journey had been a privilege in itself. Returning the love that flowed effortlessly out of my heart to my loved ones made them feel something beyond what any tangible matter could ever fulfill.

This was when I came to the realization that the way in which I felt had never been a flaw—it was a gift.

It was a gift to feel in the depth that I do because it helped me find appreciation and value in the life that I have. And to reveal vulnerability in a world that encourages concealing true emotion in the face of adversity is not only courageous; it is beautiful. It is beautiful to feel and perceive emotions elicited amongst others within my life, whether it is in the form of breakfast and coffee from my parents on a Sunday morning or a burst of laughter from my friend following a joke I made to cheer them up. And it was then I realized that the way in which you made others feel reflected on the person that you are, and it is what you will always be remembered by.

To learn to love the person I am today also meant loving the girl I used to be. I learned that growing older will never equate to letting go of my youth, because my youth is the foundation that was built for me to walk on today. And after entering my twenties, I discovered that it was not too late to return to my roots and delve into the things that had always fulfilled me from within. In doing so, I was able to love the person I was to fully accept the person that I am today. By loving all versions of myself, I was given the privilege to love others as well.

Reflecting on this year, I never would have thought that in releasing the butterflies from my heart that I would be able to grow wings of my own. And each time that my wings revealed themselves more, it gave others hope in discovering the love that they had always longed for within themselves. The collection of all the precious moments and emotions I held within my heart since the very beginning helped me develop the most important love with myself. And by choosing to love myself in every step of the way, my wings helped launch me into the sky to find beauty in what the journey had always been about—to feel alive again.